By Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
The final dimension of grief, in several proposed models, is often referred to as resolution, recovery, re-establishment or reorganization. This dimension often suggests a total return to “normalcy” and yet, in my personal and professional experience, everyone is changed by the experience of grief. For the mourner to assume that life will be exactly as it was prior to the death is unrealistic and potentially damaging. Recovery is all too often erroneously seen as an absolute – a perfect state re-establishment.
Reconciliation is a term I believe to be more expressive of what occurs as the person works to integrate the new reality of moving forward in life without the physical presence of the person who has died. There is a renewed sense of energy and confidence, an ability to fully acknowledge the reality of the death, and the capacity to become re-involved with the activities of living. There is also an acknowledgment that pain and grief are difficult, yet necessary, parts of life and living. For a more extensive description of criteria for reconciliation, see Table 1.
As the experience of reconciliation unfolds, the mourner recognizes that life will be different without the presence of the person who has died. There is a realization that reconciliation is a process, not an event. The tasks involved in working through the completion of the emotional relationship with the person who has died, and redirection of energy toward the future, often takes longer and involves more labour than most people realize. We, as human beings, never “get over” our grief, but become reconciled to it.
The specific course of mourning cannot be prescribed because it depends on many factors, such as the nature of the relationship with the person who died, the availability and helpfulness of a support system, the nature of the death, and the ritual or funeral experience. As a result, these dimensions are different for everyone, and one of the major factors influencing the mourner’s movement toward reconciliation is the allowance to mourn in his or her own unique way and time.
Reconciliation is the dimension wherein the full reality of the death becomes a part of the mourner. Beyond an intellectual working through, there is an emotional working through. What has been understood in the “head” is now understood by the “heart” – the person who was loved is dead. When reminders such as holidays, anniversaries or other special memories are triggered, the mourner experiences the intense pain inherent in grief; yet the duration and intensity of the pain is typically less severe as the healing of reconciliation occurs.
The pain changes from being ever-present and sharp to an acknowledged feeling of loss that has given rise to renewed meaning and purpose. The sense of loss does not completely disappear, yet softens. Hope for a continued life emerges as the griever is able to make commitments to the future, realizing that the dead person will never be forgotten, yet knowing that one’s own life can and will move forward.
Table 1 comprises criteria for reconciliation, which are intended to give the reader some guidelines suggesting that the mourner has participated in the work of grief and emerged a whole and healthy person.
Helping role of the caregiver
Movement toward reconciliation is exhausting, not only for the mourner but also for the helper who accompanies the person on this journey. Being present and helping the mourner stay on track is a major helping task of the caregiver. Grief is often so painful that people will attempt to avoid it at all costs. While avoidance may bring temporary relief, the work of grief is ultimately something that cannot be postponed.
Establishing the hope of reconciliation is central to its achievement. Most mourners experience a loss of confidence and esteem that leaves them questioning their capacity to heal. Supportive helpers who embrace a hope of reconciliation will assist by moving the person toward their grief instead of away from it. This does not mean to deny pain, but a desire to ‘be with’ the person in his or her pain and helplessness, all the while knowing that all wounds get worse before they get better.
As caregivers, if we believe reconciliation is possible, we will help the grieving person acknowledge this as a goal to work toward. However, if we somehow collaborate with those mourners who believe they will never move beyond the acute pain of grief, we may become a hindrance to their eventual healing.
Reconciliation from grief is normal. Yet, people need support, guidance, patience, perseverance, determination and perhaps most of all, belief in their capacity to heal. Part of the helping role is to serve as a catalyst that creates conditions outside the person and qualities within the person that make healing possible.
Just as the mourner’s attitude toward the experience of grief influences the reconciliation process, the helper’s attitude toward the healing environment invariably has a dramatic influence on the bereavement outcome. To help people move toward reconciliation means to be open to your own experiences with grief, while keeping the focus on those you are attempting to help. Obviously, if working on your grief ever becomes more important than working on their grief, you render yourself impotent as a helper.
As you work to support the reconciliation process, you do not impose your own direction on the content of what is explored. Rather, you allow the direction of the other’s growth to guide what you do; to help determine how you respond in supportive, life-enhancing ways.
Table 1: Criteria for Reconciliation
Those who have worked through their grief to move toward reconciliation should be able to demonstrate:
- A recognition of the reality and finality of the death.
- A return to stable eating and sleeping patterns.
- A renewed sense of energy and personal well-being.
- A subjective sense of release or relief from the person who has died (they have thoughts of the person, but are not preoccupied with these thoughts).
- The capacity to enjoy experiences in life that should be enjoyable.
- The establishment of new and healthy relationships.
- The capacity to live a full life without feelings of guilt.
- The capacity to become comfortable with the way things are, rather than attempting to make things as they were.
- The capacity to be open to more change.
- The awareness that one has allowed oneself to fully grieve.
- The awareness that one does not get over grief, but instead acknowledges it.
- The capacity to acknowledge new parts of oneself that have been discovered in the growth through grief.
- The capacity to adjust to new role changes that have resulted from the loss.
- The capacity to be compassionate with oneself when normal resurgences of intense grief occur (holidays, anniversaries, special occasions).
- The capacity to acknowledge that the pain of loss is an inherent part of life that results from the ability to give and receive love.
These criteria are intended to help the caregiver assess the mourner’s movement toward reconciliation. Not every person will illustrate each of these criteria; however, the majority should be present for the person to be considered beyond “encounter” with the new reality and to a place of “reconciliation” with the new reality. Many bereaved persons will attempt to convince themselves and others that they are further along in the healing process than they really are. Awareness of these criteria can help both them and you more appropriately assess their progress toward reconciliation.
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