Denying the Reality of Death: Florence’s Lesson
Florence Moore was 38 when her husband died suddenly and tragically in a mountain-climbing accident. Before he died, one could have set a watch by John’s arrival home each weekday after work. Without fail, John would walk through the kitchen door at 5:15 p.m. and embrace his wife of 17 years.
After his death, Florence found herself continuing to anticipate John’s arrival each afternoon. Several times a week this newly bereaved woman naturally drifted toward the kitchen doorway just after 5 p.m. – even though she understood intellectually that he would not arrive. And several times each week she would allow herself to cry as she embraced with her heart the reality that John would never return home.
Questioning the normalcy of this behaviour, Florence risked telling several people close to her about watching and waiting at the doorway. She hoped they would be understanding and supportive. Instead, her hopes were greeted with indifference by some, and judgment by most. Florence was told to “admit your husband is dead and get on with life.” She was encouraged to “carry on, keep your chin up.” And her psychological health was called into question: “That’s crazy, Florence.” One misinformed person even told her, “You definitely have pathological grief.”
Sadly, the Florences of this world are too often denied the natural and normal need to confront the painful reality of death in their own way and in their own time. Each day newly bereaved people in this country are encouraged, to their detriment, to move away from their grief and get on with life. If they seem to struggle in accepting that someone loved has died, they are told they are “denying the reality of death.”
How denial helps
We often hear it’s unhealthy for a mourner to deny the reality of a death. Indeed, I too believe a mourner must acknowledge this reality to heal. However, temporary shock and denial are essential grief survival mechanisms, as are a mourner’s different levels of acknowledgment of the reality of a death.
When a mourner temporarily blocks out the reality of a death, they typically do so because the capacity to cope is overwhelmed. Denial is a temporary means of self-protection that helps the mourner survive the moment.
Denial acts as an anesthetic to the newly bereaved person; the pain is there, but denial allows it to be numbed to a tolerable level. In a very real sense, the body and the mind take over to help the mourner survive.
We must also remind ourselves that denial in grief works on different levels. It is not uncommon or abnormal for a newly bereaved person to totally deny the reality of a death in the first hours and days afterwards, particularly if the death was sudden and unexpected. Hower, typically, the mourner will acknowledge the reality of the death intellectually, as they internalize a “head-level understanding” of the situation.
But emotionally, the mourner may continue to deny the reality of the death for some time. Only over the weeks and months to come will they embrace a “heart-level” understanding of the death. As Florence learned, our hearts often need time to catch up to what our heads already know.
A time to mourn, a time to deny
Typically, the bereaved person will alternate between acknowledging the loss and denying it. For example, one afternoon, Florence talked with a friend about how her life was so different now that John was dead. Yet half an hour later, she sat down at the kitchen table to await his arrival. While this vacillation did not mean she was crazy, some people were quick to label her as such.
The entire constellation of shock, denial, numbness and disbelief wanes only at the pace one is able and ready to acknowledge painful feelings of loss. To provide a specific time frame for everyone would be to overgeneralize and play into the dangerous tendency to rush the process. It is safer to say that denial only impedes healing when it becomes fixed or rigid.
Even after the mourner becomes capable of embracing the full reality of the loss, denial still naturally comes to the surface now and then. Its recurrence is seen most often on the anniversary of the death or other special occasions (birthdays, holidays, etc.). I have also repeatedly witnessed the resurgence of normal, temporary denial when the person in grief visits a place associated with a special memory of the dead person.
Actually, the mourner’s mind approaches and retreats from the reality of the death over and over again as they try to embrace and integrate the meaning of the death into their life. The availability of a consistent support system allows this process to occur.
Florence’s lesson
Florence reminds us that grief is a process, not an event, and that part of the process is to respect how denial serves as a temporary time-out or a psychological shock absorber. An artful balance must be struck between respecting the mourner’s need to temporarily deny reality while at the same time helping them encounter the new reality.
As I listened to and learned from Florence, I encouraged her to continue to instinctively drift toward that doorway as 5:15 approached each workday. Florence, too, came to understand the value of allowing herself to “watch and wait,” and in her own time came to fully embrace the pain of her loss.
My enjoyable experience in working with Florence Moore reminded me that we should not walk in front of the mourner, nor should we walk behind the mourner. Instead, we should walk with the mourner. In walking with Florence, I learned the value of accepting bereaved people where they are instead of trying to force them to be where I would like them to be.
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