Supporting Grievers with the Five Love Languages

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

When it comes to helping one another through grief, there’s no one right way. That’s because every grief is unique. Not only are each of us singular individuals with unique histories and personalities, but the people we grieve the loss of are also one-of-a-kind. After a significant loss, what we think and feel inside, in what ways it helps us to express those thoughts and feelings, and how we feel supported by others vary from person to person and even loss to loss.

Yet in his landmark 1995 book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, author Dr. Gary Chapman introduced us to the idea that human beings feel cared for by others in five primary ways:

Receiving gifts
Spending quality time together
Hearing words of affirmation
Being the beneficiary of acts of service
Experiencing physical touch

According to Dr. Chapman, each of us “speaks” one of the five love languages. In other words, we feel most loved when we experience the language that is best suited to our unique personalities and ways of being in the world. We might also respond to a second or third love language, but we always prefer our primary love language.

In my articles and books about how we can support one another in grief, I’ve written extensively about all of these methods and more. But in reviewing Dr. Chapman’s “five love languages” recently, I also realized that grouping the various helping techniques in this way could assist readers in recognizing which forms of support and communication might be most effective with a particular griever.

To that end, I will explore helping techniques in grief as they relate to each of the five love language categories. As you’re reading, be sure to jot down any additional thoughts or ideas you might have.

Receiving gifts

In Dr. Chapman’s body of work, gifts of love are actual gifts—tangible, visible objects that we give to someone we care about as a means of expressing our affection and devotion. People whose primary love language is receiving gifts see presents as physical symbols of others’ love and thoughtfulness.

If you are seeking to support someone in grief whom you know values gifts, consider communicating your empathy with small presents at appropriate times. Gift lovers are likely to appreciate funeral flowers, for example. Food would also be welcomed, especially if you take care to present it nicely. For example, a tin of cookies tied with a ribbon and tag or a beautiful arrangement of fruit would be appreciated.

In the weeks and months after the death, mark significant dates on your calendar. On the one-month anniversary of the death, you might give the griever a gift book about healing in grief, for instance. Think about birthdays (the griever’s and/or the person who died’s), Valentine’s Day, religious holidays—any day on which gift giving is part of the tradition. Note that these gifts need not be expensive. Tokens such as bookmarks, photo frames, music CDs, candles, and ornaments can speak volumes to gift lovers.

And don’t forget to write a few genuine words on a card to accompany every gift. Chances are the gift lover will place your gift somewhere she can see it often and reread your card many times.

Spending quality time together

For many people, there is no present more precious than the gift of your presence.

If you are supporting a griever whom you know enjoys company, carve out time to spend with him as often as possible. What does he like to do? Play tennis or cards? Watch TV? Cook? Fish? Go to sporting events? Whatever he likes to, do it with him. And while you’re doing it, give him your full attention. Put your phone and other distractions away and concentrate completely on the person you care about.

Note that many social people are satisfied doing simple things alongside others. They often don’t feel the need to attend major events but instead are just as (if not more) happy having company for everyday activities. For example, you don’t necessarily need to go out to dinner with a quality-time person. Consider bringing a homemade kettle of soup to her house instead and sitting down for a simple meal with her.

Of course, being a good listener is a skill you can work on as you spend quality time with the griever. Don’t worry about saying the “right thing.” Instead, just focus on being there and actively listening. Follow the griever’s lead when it comes to discussing the death. If he wants to talk about it, listen. If he doesn’t seem to want to talk about it, that’s OK too.

And don’t forget that grief never ends. The person you are supporting needs your presence not just in the first month or two after the death but far into the future. Schedule regular visits, and don’t stop.

Hearing words of affirmation

This griever feels most supported by words that are kind and encouraging. You might feel it’s understood that you care, but this person wants to hear it said aloud.

Here are some things you might say to a griever who feels supported by verbal encouragement:

I care about you.
I’m here for you.
You are so loved/strong/genuine because_______________________________________.
I have seen how you ___________________________________________.
You make a difference in the world by _____________________________________________.
Many people __________________________________ you.

When you are speaking to a word person, also pay attention to your body language and tone of voice. Look the griever in the eye, lean in, and speak kindly.

Written words are often affirming to these grievers as well. While they’re no replacement for in-person or phone conversations, handwritten notes, emails, and even texts will be received as helpful and encouraging. Draw on all forms of spoken and written communications to support verbal grievers.

Being the beneficiary of acts of service

For some grievers, actions speak more loudly than words or mere presence.

Have you ever said to someone who experienced a recent loss, “Let me know if I can do anything”? It’s a natural impulse to want to do something to show our support. Usually what happens, though, is that the griever doesn’t want to burden others with requests for assistance, so no assistance takes place.

If you suspect but are not sure the griever you know speaks this primary love language, you may need to go out on a limb. For example, pop by her house and ask her what needs doing. Is there a minor handyperson job you could complete? Could you watch the kids while she runs errands? If she seems reluctant to take you up on your offer, look around and see what needs doing, then dive right in. The second task you undertake will be easier for both of you than the first, and the third easier yet.

Look for opportunities to do things that you’re good at or comfortable with. If you’re a car person, for example, you might take on the task of rotating the griever’s tires or changing the oil in his car. If you’re a gardener, you could do some yard work or plant flowers. Home accounting, bill paying, or tax preparation is another possibility.

Whenever you find yourself thinking about this griever, ask yourself, “What can I do?” Then go do it.

Experiencing physical touch

The griever who thrives on physical touch needs closeness. Depending on your relationship with her and your level of comfort with physical touch, you might consider hugging her in greeting and upon leave-taking each time you see her, sitting closely when you talk, looking her in the eye and leaning in, and holding hands or walking arm-in-arm.

You might also notice that this griever is more prone to physical symptoms of grief. It’s common for people in mourning to experience stomachaches, heart palpitations, headaches, lack of sleep, and other physical symptoms. If you see that bodily problems are making it hard for this griever to function and focus on healing, be sure to affirm the normalcy of this response and suggest strategies for getting help. For example, any griever struggling with physical symptoms would be well-served to have a complete physical exam. His primary caregiver may be able to help him with insomnia or other challenges and may put fears of illness to rest as well.

You might also want to suggest ways that others in the physical griever’s life can help her. Those who crave touch will be soothed by regular contact. Massage and physical activity may also help. Going for a side-by-side walk with this person every afternoon, for instance, could be just the bodily experience she needs to make it through the day.

I believe Dr. Chapman’s love languages offer a helpful framework for identifying effective ways to support people in grief. Of course, recognizing and understanding your own primary love language will also help you know how to ask for and receive the best help when you experience a significant loss. If you are interested in learning more about the love languages, you may want to read one of Dr. Chapman’s books on the topic. He has written versions focused on partners, parenting children, men, and other types of relationships.