My dad just recently passed away this month very close to Christmas, he and I never had the perfect relationship growing up but within the last few years we had started to develop some progress in fixing our relationship, especially since he found out he has his first grandchild on the way. The loss of him pains me a lot but the most painful thought is that he will never meet her or she meet him.
He passed away just a month after his 60th birthday from an infection in his heart putting him on life support and while we were by his bedside in the hospital all I could think about is does he know were here? There were a few moments he opened his eyes but was it the medication or was he really responding to us? Is he aware of what’s happening? But the biggest feeling of empathy I had was the sensation of fear for him. I just truly did not want him to have any fear of leaving us. It pains me so much to remember seeing tears from eyes when they were closed. Was it cause he was afraid, was he sad for that he was leaving? Does he know? These questions still run through my mind every day. Did I make the right choice letting him go or did he want to fight for his life but couldn’t tell me.
Once he passed my sister and I began the task of cleaning his place and belongings. It’s a strange sensation to hold something of his and think just a day or two ago this was something he used and now he can’t use it anymore. Ideas race into my head on how do I preserve him for the days to come? What can I keep that has his scent, or how do I save all the text message or voicemails? What if I forget what his voice sounds like? It was more difficult just to see the things he kept that we had no clue he had, the actual day from a calendar from when I was born but also my sister. Photos of us we didn’t even know he had that he kept inside his wallet.
Now that he’s gone all I can feel is this sensation that I’m holding onto dear life on one of those Tower of Fear rides. It’s that small feeling inside keeps growing till that one day I’m going to drop and just break down. It’s just really strange right now for me to just continue on going to work and not break down during the day. The amount of things to still take care of like his estate and belongings definitely keeps my mind busy but I can I feel that emptiness, fear, and so many other emotions I’m not use to growing inside.
One thing I’ve learned, there were many times in my life that I was told that if I didn’t do this or that I would regret it and I would always think there was always time. There is nothing more that I regret right now than not making more memories with my dad because I felt there was always time. The truth of it all is there is never enough time for anyone. What I wouldn’t give just to hear a lecture from him or just to hear him try to make a joke, so please find your mom or your dad and just give them a hug for us.
Happy Holidays and have a safe New Year’s all