Are You There?

by Stephanie J. DeMartino

Hello, are you there?
How am I supposed to look forward to each day?
How am I supposed to live and be happy?
You’re not here with me
The pain of losing you still hurts too much since you’ve been gone
I can’t shake it no matter what I try
I try to live for my children
Somehow that’s not enough
Their happiness cannot shake this despair I feel
I try to walk it off
I walk and walk and walk
That doesn’t help either
I try to focus on my work but that only works for a brief moment
Then I revert back to thinking of you
And the pain floods back throughout me
Because you’re not here to make and share memories with me
You’re not here
I want to stop being unhappy
Maybe I should think about taking medication
But will that make me forget how much I miss you?
I wonder sometimes what you were thinking knowing you were going to die
I know that’s why you fought so hard not to leave
I think about how scared you must’ve been
Sometimes that’s all I can think about
Watching you as you fought for each breath
You didn’t want to leave
Even though everyone said you did
You wanted to stay
That’s why I can’t let go of the pain
Because I know how much you wanted to stay
Now you’re gone, nothing is the same
I can’t look forward to anything anymore
All I think about is everything ends
Everything ends
Maybe I need medication
Will it erase the pain of losing you?
Some days it’s really hard to think of a reason to get up
Then I take a breath, get up, start moving, and do it all over again the next day
I just wish there was an easier way to shake this grief
I miss you every day
Will I ever see you again?
Because what hurts the most
Is not knowing the answer to that question
Is there such a thing as a wish come true?
I wish you could tell me where you are
Maybe then I could feel better
Because I want to know why we can’t see people once they die and we can’t talk to people after they’ve died
What happens to them?
Besides having their bodies go into the ground, what happens to them?