Eulogy or Remembrance...the Value of Remembering Backward

Eulogy or Remembrance: The Importance of Educating the Family About the Value of Remembering Backward

While teaching a recent workshop for mental health clinicians, a participant raised his hand and asked, “Is the eulogy all that important to a funeral?” His question reminded me that when people question the value of funerals (or a specific element of a funeral), part of your role is to theme everything you do with information, education, and choices.

In this situation, I was given the opportunity to teach the participants in the workshop the value of the eulogy or remembrance. As you know, each element uniquely contributes to the funeral, and it is only through combining many elements that you can create the rich tapestry that is the transformative funeral. My hope is that you can draw on the following information as you educate the families you are honored to serve about the need to include a thoughtful eulogy as an essential element of a meaningful ceremony.

The eulogy (which comes from the Greek eulogia meaning “praise; good or fine language”) acknowledges the unique life of the person who died and affirms the significance of that life for all who shared in it. Without a eulogy and/or other personalized means of acknowledging this particular life and death, the funeral can become an empty, cookie-cutter formality. What’s worse, it implied that this unique person’s life story just wasn’t worth gathering and sharing.

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REMINDER: With families that are not faith-based, the word eulogy often carries too much “theological connotation” for them. Therefore, it usually works better to talk about the value of sharing memories and to refer to it as a time of remembrance. Regardless of what you call it, going backward before forward when someone dies adds meaning and purpose to the funeral experience.

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I often talk about the value of “telling the story” – of reviewing, aloud, the sequence of events of a person’s life, including the weeks leading up to death. For mourners, telling the story is central to beginning to integrate the loss into their lives. In the context of the funeral ceremony, the eulogy is the grand, public telling of the story that unites the mourners.

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Distinguishing the obituary from the eulogy

It is important to know the distinction between an obituary and a eulogy. We have probably all been part of funerals where the officiant simply read the obituary but referred to it as a eulogy.

In contrast to the eulogy, the word obituary originates from the Latin word obit, which means departure. The obituary is usually a written declaration of a person’s death. Facts outlined in the obituary usually include: the person’s name; date and place of birth; date and place of death; place of employment; service club memberships and names of survivors. As you know, some obituaries are more creative and interesting than others. However, simply reading the obituary is not a substitute for a meaningful eulogy or period of remembrance being integrated into the funeral service.

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In addition to helping recall the life of the person that died, the eulogy also usually addresses the mourners’ search for meaning. What did this person’s life mean? What value did it bring to those it touched? What will life be like without this person’s physical presence? Through the stories it tells, the eulogy suggests possible answers to these kinds of existential questions.

Of course, the very fact that a eulogy is given doses families and friends with the reality that the person has died. At the gathering after the funeral, the eulogy often invites conversation among those same family members and friends, giving them a common lifeline to hold onto as they support one another and give expression to their thoughts and feelings.

You have the opportunity to help families understand that looking at the person’s unique life history is a special and final – once-in-a-lifetime – way to honor him or her. Done well, the eulogy can be the most memory-filled and meaningful element of the funeral. Whoever writes and delivers the eulogy should be encouraged to gather memories and thoughts from others to include so that the story is as rich and personalized as possible.

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Some tips for eulogy-givers

(Consider providing this information to family members or friends that have been tasked with providing the eulogy)

Writing and delivering a eulogy is a loving, important gesture that merits your time and attention over the next day or two. Though the task may seem daunting right now, you’ll find that once you start jotting down ideas, your eulogy will come together naturally. Afterwards, many who attend the funeral will thank you for your contribution, and your eulogy will be cherished always by the family and friends of the person who died.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

- - Be brave. The thought of writing a speech and presenting it in public makes many people anxious. Set aside your fears for now. You can do this. Focus on the person who died and the gift you will be giving to all who knew or loved them.
  - Before you start writing, go for a long walk or a drive and think about the life of the person who died. This will help you collect your thoughts and focus on writing the eulogy.
  - Spend half an hour (longer if you want) writing down all the thoughts, ideas and memories that come to you.
  - Look at photos. Flipping through photo albums may remind you of important qualities and memories of the person who died.
  - Don’t try to do it all. Your eulogy doesn’t have to cover every aspect of this person’s life. In fact, often the best eulogies are those that focus on the eulogy-giver’s personal thoughts and memories. Do try to acknowledge those who were closest to the person who died as well as important achievements in the person’s life, but don’t feel obligated to create an exhaustive biography.
  - Ask others to share memories. A good way to include others in the ceremony is to ask them to share thoughts and memories, which you can then incorporate into the eulogy.
  - Write a draft. Once you’ve brainstormed and collected memories, it’s time to write the first draft. Go somewhere quiet and write it all in one sitting, start to finish. Don’t worry about getting it perfect for now – just get it done.
  - Let it sit. If time allows, let your eulogy draft sit for a few hours or a day before revisiting.
  - Get a second opinion. Have someone else – preferably someone who was close to the person who died – read over your draft at this point. This person can make revision suggestions and help you avoid inadvertently saying something that might offend others.
  - Read your first draft. Look for awkward phrases or stiff wording. Improve the transitions from paragraph to paragraph or thought to thought. Find adjectives and verbs that really capture the essence of the person who died.
  - Present your eulogy with love. Now you need to present your eulogy. You may well feel nervous, but if you can keep your focus on the person who died instead of your own fears, you’ll loosen up. If you have emotion as you’re talking, that’s OK. Everyone will understand. Just stop for a few seconds, collect yourself, and continue.
  - Speak up. It’s very important to speak clearly and loudly so that everyone can hear you.

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Families often tell me that the eulogy was the most meaningful part of the funeral ceremony – but only in cases in which it was truly personalized. As you well know, the eulogy does not have to be delivered by the person leading the service. This is appropriate only If the clergy person, officiant, or celebrant knows the family well and can speak personally about the person who has died (or does a good and thorough job of gathering life-history and memories from others). If the officiant didn’t know the person that died, in my experience it is often much more meaningful to have a family member or friend give the eulogy.

It can sometimes be helpful to have what is commonly referred to as a “participant-oriented” eulogy. This is where those in attendance at the funeral are invited to stand up and share a memory or reflection about the person who died. This often works well for small funerals. Another option is to have those in attendance asked to write down a brief memory on a slip of paper given to them as they enter. These notes can then be read aloud by the officiant.

Going backward before forward when someone dies adds unparalleled meaning and purpose to the funeral experience. The eulogy or remembrance is the primary means of honoring and looking back. Without it, the funeral is like a book with the best chapter missing.

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