Ask Dr. Wolfelt: Reconciliation versus Resolution

“As a person in grief I have been told that I need to “resolve” my grief. I was so relieved to read about your concept that we don’t really resolve our grief, but we can “reconcile” it. Can you describe the difference in this terminology?”

Wolfelt Q&A AfterTalk Grief Support — Dr. Alan Wolfelt

As your question suggests, “reconcile” is the term I find most appropriate for the healing that develops as you work to integrate the death into your life. We as human beings don’t “resolve” or “recover” from our grief but instead become reconciled to it. With reconciliation comes full acknowledgment of the reality of the death. Beyond a cognitive working through of the death, there is also an emotional and spiritual integration. What had been understood at the head level is now understood at the heart level.

Energy and confidence are renewed, and the desire to become reinvolved in the activities of living is reawakened. There is also a deepening wisdom about the fact that pain and grief are difficult, yet necessary, parts of life.

As reconciliation unfolds over time, you will recognize that life is and will continue to be different without the person who died. Changing your relationship with them from one of presence to one of memory and redirecting your energy and initiative toward the future often take longer—and involve more hard work—than most people comprehend before they themselves suffer such a loss.

But keep in mind that reconciliation doesn’t just happen. It’s an active, intentional process. You reach it through deliberate, authentic mourning in ways that match your unique personality. This may include, but not be limited to, the following:

talking it out.
crying it out.
writing it out.
thinking it out.
playing it out.
painting (or sculpting, etc.) it out.
dancing it out.
etcetera

To journey toward reconciliation requires that you descend into your grief instead of around it. You must go through it. And while you are going through it, you must also befriend and express what you are thinking and feeling if you are to truly reconcile yourself to it.

I’m often asked, “How long does grief last?” The hard truth is that grief is forever. As long as you love the person who died, you will continue to grieve them. Like a serious but healed wound on your body, it’s always there, but it no longer demands your daily (or hourly or minute by minute) attention. Yes, love does not end. Instead, it learns to live despite the absence.

You will find that as you approach reconciliation, the sharp, ever-present pain of grief will give rise to a renewed sense of meaning and purpose. No, your feelings of loss will never completely disappear, yet they will soften, and the intense pangs of grief will become less frequent. Hope for your continued living will grow as you are able to make commitments to the future, realizing that the person you had a relationship with will never be forgotten.

Signs of Reconciliation

To help you discern where you are in your movement toward reconciliation at any given time, the following list of signs of integrating this loss into your life may be helpful. However, you don’t have to be experiencing all of them for reconciliation to be taking place. In fact, if you’re early in the work of mourning, you may not be noticing any of them yet. Be patient and remember that reconciliation is an ongoing, incremental experience.

Still, this list may give you a way to keep an eye on your movement in your grief. As new reconciliation signs arise, you may even want to place checkmarks next to them. The closer you get to emerging from the wilderness, the more of these signs you will probably notice.

A recognition of the reality and finality of the death
A return to stable eating and sleeping patterns
The enjoyment of experiences in life that are normally enjoyable
The establishment of new and healthy relationships
The capacity to live a full life without feelings of guilt or lack of self-respect
An understanding of the need to organize and plan your life toward the future while always remembering the past
The serenity to be comfortable with the way things are rather than attempting to make things as they were
The versatility to welcome more change into your life
The awareness that you have allowed yourself to authentically, fully grieve and mourn—and you have survived
The understanding that you do not “get over” your grief but instead learn to live with the new reality
The acquaintance with new parts of yourself that you have discovered in your grief journey
The adjustment to new role changes that have resulted from the loss of the relationship
The acknowledgment that the pain of loss is intrinsic to the privilege of giving and receiving love
A sense of renewed meaning and purpose in your life

Reconciliation emerges much in the way grass grows. We don’t typically check our lawns each day to see if the grass is growing, but it does grow, and soon we come to realize it’s time to mow the grass again. Likewise, we can’t expect to examine our grief movement on a daily or weekly basis to be assured that we’re healing. As we’ve discussed, grief, in the short term, is more of a back-and-forth, round-and-around process. Nonetheless, as long as we’re consistently doing the work of mourning, we do eventually realize that over the course of months and years, we’ve come a long way.

Usually there is not one great moment of “arrival” but instead a series of subtle changes and incremental progress. Along the way, I hope you will stop and take the time to notice and be grateful for even very small advancements. If you’re beginning to taste your food again, be thankful. If you mustered the energy to meet a friend for lunch, be grateful. If you finally got a good night’s sleep, rejoice.

Here’s what C. S. Lewis wrote in A Grief Observed about his grief symptoms as they eased in his journey to reconciliation: “There was no sudden, striking, and emotional transition. Like the warming of a room or the coming of daylight, when you first notice them, they have already been going on for some time.”

Of course, the journey toward reconciliation is not an expressway to healing. Even when you’re feeling good divine momentum, you’re likely to take some steps backward from time to time. That’s to be expected. When it happens, be kind to yourself and keep believing in yourself. Set your intention to continue to reconcile your grief, and foster hope that you can and will come to live and love fully again.

Managing Your Expectations

Movement toward reconciliation in grief is often draining and exhausting. It also can take a very long time. Many grieving people have unrealistic expectations about how readily they should be feeling forward momentum, and when it takes much longer and involves a lot more hard work than they ever imagined, they sometimes experience a loss of self-confidence and self-esteem. They begin to question their capacity to heal. They doubt things will ever get better. They lose hope. If you find yourself in this situation, you’re not alone.

If you’re feeling doubtful or hopeless, consider if you’ve consciously or unconsciously set a timetable for reconciliation. Ask yourself questions like, “Have I mistakenly given myself a deadline for when I should be ‘over’ my grief? Am I expecting myself to heal more quickly than is possible?” If the answer to such questions is yes, recognize that you could be hindering your own healing by expecting too much of yourself too soon. In fact, accepting the pace of your unique journey through your singular wilderness is key to eventual reconciliation. Take your grief and your healing as they come, one day at a time.

One valuable way to make the most of the day-by-day nature of mourning work is to consider journaling. Write out your many thoughts and feelings, and you will be amazed at how it helps you embrace your grief. But in addition, your journal then becomes a written record of your experience. You can pick it up at any time and reacquaint yourself with your earlier thoughts and feelings. This can help you see the many changes that will have unfolded as you’ve engaged with the central needs of mourning over the course of your grief journey.

You can’t control death or ignore your human need to grieve and mourn when loss impacts your life. You do have the choice, however, to help yourself heal. Embracing and expressing your grief is probably some of the hardest work you will ever do. As you do this work, surround yourself with compassionate, loving people who are willing to walk with you, and try to be unfailingly kind to yourself.

Editor’s Note: AfterTalk’s “Private Conversations” is a way to “write it out” in a secure, private space. Visit https://www.aftertalk.com/private_conversations_main

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