Three Ceremonies to Heal Your Heart

By Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

When a death is sudden and unexpected, as is typically the case with a military death, it’s that much more difficult. Violent or self-inflicted death, whether accidental or intentional, often leaves mourners in shock for weeks, months and sometimes years. The death of a younger person is always naturally challenging. And when the circumstances prevent the body from being recovered or seen, doing the necessary work of acknowledging the loss in both your mind and your heart can go on indefinitely.

Immediately after the death, those affected by traumatic loss typically exhibit psychic numbing. They’re present physically, but not necessarily mentally or emotionally. In other words, they’re in shock. This protective mechanism is nature’s way of protecting you from experiencing the full force of the loss all at once. The reality of your loss may have been so overwhelming that you simply couldn’t fully absorb what was happening.

This means, of course, you also may not have been able to fully absorb the funeral. Your normal and necessary shock may have buffered you from both the horrible reality of the death and the healing functions of the funeral.

But the funeral has long since passed. What can you do now? I trained for 13 years as a talk therapist, and over the decades I’ve counseled those in mourning who’ve been waylaid in the months and years after a traumatic loss. Talk therapy is helpful, but I’ve learned it’s often not talk therapy that traumatized mourners need most. Instead, it’s more ceremony.

The Importance of Additional Ceremonies

Ceremonies help us acknowledge the reality of death, remember the person who died and provide a time of social support. They can help us search for life’s meaning and our own continued existence.

I usually recommend that families affected by traumatic death hold three ceremonies spaced out over a period of about two years. If more than two years have already elapsed, that’s OK. Additional ceremonies will still help. Time alone does not heal grief; active mourning does. But psychic numbing does dissipate over time, allowing you and your family to engage more and more deeply with your grief as time elapses.

Please note that the additional ceremonies I am suggesting here will also help mourners after all other kinds of deaths, including those due to illness.

A Simple Gathering

I invite you to consider having a second ceremony about six to eight months after the death. If more time than that has already gone by, simply hold the second ceremony soon. Sometimes a significant date makes sense, such as the birthday of your loved one or the anniversary of the death.

For the second ceremony, I often recommend a simple candle-lighting ceremony in your home. Invite close friends and family to gather around a table on which you’ve placed photos and memorabilia of the person who died. You might begin your ceremony with a piece of music and read one or two short prayers or poems. Each guest can hold a small votive and light his or her candle as he or she shares a memory or thought. A prayer, song or piece of music makes a good close.

There are no set rules. Your ceremony can be religious or secular, in keeping with your beliefs. As long as the ceremony helps you explore all the functions of the funeral I mentioned above (I think you removed the part listing the functions), it will foster continued movement toward reconciling your grief.

A Resting-Place Ceremony

The third ceremony is often best held somewhere between 18 and 24 months after the death — or, if more time has already elapsed, about a year after the second ceremony. I often recommend a gathering at the gravesite or place of permanent memorialization. Again, readings, music and memory-sharing turn a gathering into a meaningful ritual. Re-dosing yourself with the purposes of the funeral — reality, recall, support, expression, meaning and transcendence — is a powerful healing elixir.

I hope you will try having one, two or even more additional ceremonies in honor of your loved one who died. The ceremonies can be as elaborate or as simple as you want. I hope you’ll also continue to participate in community ceremonies on holidays, like Memorial Day, Flag Day and Veterans Day.

I have found that such rituals help people who feel stuck in their grief get unstuck, and for those already on a healthy mourning path, it provides them with continued divine momentum toward healing.

When Everyday Words Aren’t Enough

When someone we love dies, the funeral is an essential rite of passage. Everyday words and actions become woefully inadequate at expressing our profound thoughts and feelings. So, since the beginning of human history, we have wrapped them in ritual.

Funeral customs — the eulogy, the music, the readings, the reception — all the ceremonial elements help us transition from life before to life after the death. What’s more, the funeral’s structure holds us up when we might otherwise collapse. It gives us a meaningful process to step through, tasks to accomplish, rites to follow, places to go and people to support us.

Funerals are not really rites of closure but rather initiation. Good ones help us get started. I hope the funeral for your loved one met your needs and helped you on the path to healthy mourning. Regardless, perhaps you might consider that sometimes, one funeral — no matter how personalized and meaningful to family and friends — is simply not enough.

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