How Grief Changes Relationships

Grief changes everything. It changes how you sleep and eat; it changes how you work and how you spend your free time. Grief changes how you think. So, it makes sense that grief changes how you relate to other people.

So many people want to be supportive of those who are in mourning, but so few people understand to what extent grief interferes with a bereaved person’s ability to navigate interpersonal relationships. Whether you are enduring a period of mourning and looking for ways to cope or you are looking to provide meaningful support to a person who has experienced a loss, here is some valuable information you can use to strengthen your relationships in the presence of grief.

Everyone Mourns Differently

Media likes to portray grief as long, intense group crying sessions interspersed with shared remembrances of the departed and finished with a happy sense of closure. However, grief rarely looks like this.

Some people isolate themselves from everyone; some people become much more committed to their work; some people abuse substances; some people develop intense fears of being alone. Every person has a unique process for coming to terms with a loss, but the differences in how people mourn can cause strife within relationships.

As long as a bereaved person is not harming themselves or others, you should be respectful of every response to grief. Listen to what your mind and body want — or what the bereaved person in your life is asking of you — as you navigate through your period of mourning.

Emotions Flare Unexpectedly

Grief is an intense emotional experience that can physiologically change the brain. As a result, a bereaved person may not feel or express emotions in the same way they did before their loss. What’s more, emotional responses may not remain consistent through the entire period of mourning; while a person may generally seem emotionally deadened, their emotions could flare at unexpected times. Turbulent emotions can cause confusion and hurt feelings, which may push formerly close loved ones away.

There are ways to keep rampant emotions in check, even when you are experiencing grief. Breathing exercises that promote a sense of calm will reduce stress and anxiety, which can cause harmful emotional outbursts. If you are striving to provide support to a bereaved person, you can learn breathing exercises as well and practice them with your grieving loved one when emotions become difficult.

Relationship Roles Can Shift

It is natural for people to fall into certain roles within their relationships. For example, it might always fall to one person to reach out and make plans, or one person might function as the “fixer,” solving problems for the other person in helpful and meaningful ways.

Unfortunately, grief often interferes with these previously established roles, causing a bereaved person to act in unexpected ways. It can be challenging to recognize when and how relationship roles have shifted, and it can be even more challenging for everyone — grieving and not — to adjust to those changes and maintain a strong relationship during and after a period of intense mourning. If you do recognize that your relationship with a bereaved person has suffered in some way, you should take a critical eye to the roles within that relationship and strive to fill any gaps created by grief.

Practicality Can Be Profound

Because grief takes up so much space in a person’s brain, some of the simplest tasks are often overlooked during periods of mourning. Bereaved people often struggle to plan meals, shop for groceries, clean their homes, or care for pets — let alone sift through the deceased’s estate. Sometimes, self-care is the most difficult form of care to give.

If a grieving person has withdrawn from their relationships and seems to reject emotional support, you can always offer practical assistance within their life. You shouldn’t ask the bereaved if they need help; you can simply provide it, delivering meals or groceries to their doorstep or running a few loads of their laundry.

Estate matters can be particularly difficult for those in mourning, so some of the more useful practical assistance you can provide involves packing and moving the deceased’s belongings. You might find a moving company or help the bereaved sort through belongings to determine what they want to keep. Then, you should make sure that everything is appropriately packaged to keep fragile items safe from damage, so those in mourning will continue to have their precious memories for years to come.

It’s the Long Game That Matters

Unfortunately, grief works on its own timeline. It may be a matter of weeks for a bereaved person to navigate their emotional reaction to a loss and achieve healthy closure, or it may be decades — or closure may never come at all.

If you want to maintain a relationship with anyone experiencing grief, you need to be patient and take action in ways that will support your relationship for years to come. Similarly, if you are experiencing grief, you should pay attention to the people who stay close during your period of mourning, as these are likely the ones you want around you for the rest of your life.