It Is Time to Change the Books on My Night Table
By Peggy Amler
For the first year and beyond, I lived in my grief.
My heartache was all that I could feel.
I read books and writings on grief, and I wrote about my pain.
That was the primary focus of my attention.
That was the primary recipient of my time.
That was essentially all I was capable of.
My night table has been piled high with books on grief.
They have been there as constant companions and support, though not all have even been read.
It is clear that my intention to read all of them is now mere intention without commitment.
Life and time have moved me forward.
My focus and comfort day to day has shifted from being
internally driven to externally involved…
mostly on the periphery, but nonetheless involved.
It is now two years since my husband has passed.
I am at a place of gratitude.
I am no longer living in the constant pain of grief.
My pain is blended into my daily life, but so is gratitude.
Life has pulled me forward.
It has filled my days.
My emotions are no longer only of grief and sorrow and sadness and pain.
I rejoice in having had the love that my husband and I had.
I am so grateful.
I feel blessed.
It is time, indeed, to change the books on my night table.
I’m not sure yet what will replace them…. On second thought, perhaps I will keep
just one or two of my favorites out, for comfort in knowing they are within
reach…. but I will add new and different books.
It is time to live a more complete version of myself.
It is time to live a more complete version of life.
It is time to change the books on my night table….
